


I Loved You First

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, I'm not strong enough for anything else, M/M, Romance, fake relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-22 17:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16602323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The one where Harry and Louis are in love, but it seems too many things are in their way.





	I Loved You First

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a fanfic; if you get butthurt by me writing fictional things, don't bother sticking around.
> 
> Oh also there's no timeline for the tattoos I mention. Don't come for my inaccuracy.

He shouldn't be crying, really, but here he is; in the bathroom of a concert venue, trying to hold back body-wracking sobs. It isn't in his right to cry over, right? They knew what they were doing when they started, that they'd never be able to actually have this last--but that didn't mean Harry didn't get to drown in the feeling of his heart slowly cracking.

"Harry," a familiar voice calls. "We gotta leave, mate."

 _Just let me be ,_ he wants to say.  _I can't see them together_. "Yeah," he settles for. "Coming."

He opens the door of the bathroom to see Liam standing there, sympathy shimmering in his dark eyes. "You gonna be okay?"

"No."

If Harry were to turn around he would see Liam wincing, but he decides to keep his head forward as he approaches the main entrance of the building. He steels himself, appreciating the comfort of Liam's hand briefly squeezing his shoulder. Harry walks out, and--

Fuck, nope nope nope nope, he's not doing this, he can't, he's not going to look at  _him_ being with  _her_ the way Harry wants to--to--

Before he can break down in front of all their fans, a body guard is approaching with a pair of sunglasses.  _Thank fuck_.

He hears Zayn ushering Eleanor away from Louis--something Harry'll thank him for later, no doubt--and Louis muttering whilst trying to figure out just where to stand. Harry pays it no mind as he walks over to the van, where Niall is giving him a weird look. 

"Ya weren't even outside for ten seconds and you needed sunglasses?"

"Shut up, Niall." The blonde gives Zayn a look, but Harry has decided to tune the rest of their bickering out. It wasn't long until Harry was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar voice.

"Oh so you're not separating us into different vans? I can't believe you've granted us  _such_ a privilege." Normally Louis' sarcastic jabs at management would make him smile, maybe even snicker if he was feeling particularly brave, but it only seems to remind him of just how shit their situation was.

"Get in the car, will you?" As the door slams shut beside Louis, more murmurs could be heard falling from his lips.

Liam gets into the van quietly, sensing the heavy silence and having no clue how to navigate it.

"You can't do that, Harry," their manager pipes up.

A scoff can be heard from Louis as he spoke. "What, emote like a natural fucking human being--?"

"Quiet, Louis, I wasn't talking to you."

Harry takes a deep breath. Fuck this, honestly. He decides to stay silent.

"Harry, I'm being serious. There were cameras everywhere."

"Lay off him, man," Zayn pipes up. "There are so many bullshit excuses we can give for why his eyes were red, it's not something to beat him over the head with."

 _Bless his heart_ , is the last thought that drifted across his consciousness as he falls into a light, restless sleep.

o.O.o

When they get back to their hotel, Harry is in a bit of a daze. No fans managed to follow them, which is good, except for the fact that now he doesn't have the screaming to drown out his thoughts. They're led to their rooms by security, and left alone for the three hours they have left for relaxation before their concert. Technically two hours when you take preparation into account.

Niall is by himself in his own room, smug as ever when he was given the news. Harry and Louis, of course, aren't allowed to room together because 'if you do a live stream the fans will pick up on something". Bullshit if you ask Harry himself, but whatever. He got paired with Zayn for a room; not a horrible outcome, just... not the one he wants. 

"I'm gonna sneak off to Liam's room."

Harry's head snaps up. "Huh?"

"So you can spend some time with Louis. Liam wanted my opinion on some lyrics, anyway."

"But--"

"Harry," Zayn interrupted. "Stop. None of us are blind. You miss him, 's not a sin."

"You're a fuckin' angel, y'know that?" Harry murmured as a grateful smile tugged at his lips.

"Remember that next time one of the producers gets on my case." The tone was light, but there was an underlying heaviness to it that told Harry it was something that had been festering for a while.

"You know I try my best."

"Yeah. You do." Harry does his best to ignore that little twinge of darkness interlaced in his friend's words. Zayn was gone before he could even think to ask, though, so he simply settles for keeping it at the back of his mind for later.

He waits in the room by himself, considering just taking a nap again. His eyes drag over the old white ceiling as sleep evades him like a shadow in the night. The door opens soon after, revealing a bright smile and even brighter oceanic eyes. "Hey," he calls.

"I expected more enthusiasm, I can't lie," Louis teases softly.

"'M just tired."

"You slept on the way here, dickwad."

"If you're just gonna call me names I'll get Zayn back over here."

As soon he he finishes speaking there are kisses being pressed to his nose and the soft skin below his eyebrow. "You'd never."

Harry opens his mouth to fire back another snarky comment, but suddenly the image of Louis and Eleanor acting like a couple crosses his mind; he kind of wants to puke.

"Haz?"

"What?" he snaps.

"What's got  _you_ so short all of a sudden, huh?"

Snapping wasn't fair, Harry knows, but even just the thought of what he saw and has to _continue_ to see breaks him in a way he never thought possible. He scoffs, standing up as he runs a hand through his hair. He tugs at it a little, just to make sure he hand't fallen asleep. "I'm ' _short_ ', Louis, because I had to watch you prance around with her!"

Understanding and panic fills those beautiful eyes he fell for. "Harry,  _please_ , not so loud."

"Right, because  _this_ ," Harry spits with a gesture to the both of them, "isn't allowed to be publicly known. Everyone already thinks it anyway!"

" _Haz_ \--"

"I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Silence. Fuck, he said the wrong thing, hadn't he? The air in the room starts to feel too heavy to breathe in the way Harry is supposed to and he really just wants to run away from the whole situation. 

A small voice tells him he should be finding comfort in Louis' arms instead.

"I'm sorry."

It isn't what Harry expected from his boyfriend; maybe a 'well what the fuck do you want from me?' or a 'what the fuck does that mean?' but not... an apology.

"This isn't fair to you," Louis whispers , "and I know that. I--"

"Lou, stop." Harry sits himself in front of his boyfriend as he regulates his breathing. "Let's just enjoy ourselves until the concert, yeah?" He buries a hand in Louis' fluffy hair, stroking gently to calm the other down.

Louis clearly wants to protest, but Harry lays down on the bed and brings his boyfriend down with him before those can come to fruition. Harry doesn't say anything, doesn't know that he can put just how grand his love is for the man in front of him into words. He presses a kiss to the "It Is What It Is" in calligraphy across Louis' collarbones.

They're out of the room before management has the chance to come knocking on their doors and tell them they have to leave. They shared a loving kiss before Louis left, taking Harry's whole heart with him.

o.O.o

So apparently he and Taylor Swift are a thing. Seems like he was one of the last ones to know, but that's fine.

Not.

If Harry is upset, though, Louis is  _livid_. They're supposed to be resting up for a day of recording in the studio tomorrow, but it seems Louis isn't letting this one slide.

"Aren't you lot getting sick of this? Giving us these girlfriends? It's getting _old_ , mate!"

Louis is a hair's width away from touching noses with their manager and it's almost as if he's trying to engrave his hatred into their manager's eyes. Liam is clearly torn between telling the eldest member to sit the fuck down and letting him say whatever he wants to, because there's no stopping Louis once he has a mission in mind.

"One more word out of you and you won'tget to see Harry outside of the stage, you hear me?"

"Like that wouldn't be  _bloody obvious_! You do anything more and there's gonna me rumours galore!" A smirk twisted Louis' mouth into something smug. "And we don't like that here at Modest Management, do we?"

Louis had always been the more vocal of the two.

Their manager walks away with a huff, Liam following suit. Louis doesn't look up to meet Harry's eyes as the latter walks over. 

"What was that?"

"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be," is all Louis says.

"Is it worth it?"

It's a heavy question, but it's one they need the answer to. "One day," Louis replies, "it will be."

It's clear how much the whole dilemma has taken a toll on Louis; Harry too, of course, but he doesn't focus on that when he sees dark circles under his sunshine's eyes.  _One day, it will be. One day._

 _One day_.

o.O.o

The baby is the final straw for them both.

"I can't do this anymore."

"I know."

Harry takes a shaky breath in as tears well up in his eyes. "I don't want it to end."

"I know."

"This wasn't how this was supposed to go," he whispers. It really wasn't; they were supposed to wait it out until management gave up and they could have that leeway they wanted-- _still_ want, so they could just be _happy_ together.

"I know."

"God," Harry whimpers, "please Lou, say anything else."

"What's there to say? This clearly wasn't... meant to become a thing." 

Louis' voice was always one of Harry's favourite things about him, soft and gentle, his laughs sounding like wind chimes twinkling in the soft autumn breeze. But this time, it's _too_ soft. His voice is cracking and shaking, and Harry really has no idea how to make it stop; how to make the hurt go away.

It seems that they're in a hotel room again. Harry thinks bitterly that these were supposed to be their safe space, their little paradise away from prying eyes, but... it proves to be a more sobering experience than they imagined, every time.

"Do you regret it?" he blurts out.

"What, being in love with you?" Louis' eyes take on a fond sort of sadness. "I'd never regret anything in this life if it's with you."

Harry's fingers automatically go to the small underlined "Oops!" on his arm. It's a bit of a reflex, really, because whenever Louis was somewhere off doing his own thing, Harry would touch it and immediately feel a calmness wash over him.

"We're going on hiatus soon. We should take that time to figure ourselves out, you know?"

"Why don't I want that?"

Louis closes the gap between them with a broken smile. "We don't always want what we need."

"I need  _you_ ," Harry hisses, tears finally falling down his reddened cheeks. He falls back and sits on the bed with his head in his hands.

"Harry, listen to me, okay?" He looks up to meet Louis' eyes as he tries to minimize the sobs in his chest. "This," he says, grabbing Harry's hand and putting is over his heart, "is yours. You know that, right?" Slowly, Harry nods. "Good, because it's true. I'm so sorry, Harry, but... this is something we both need."

"I love you, Lou."

Louis smiles as he kisses his forehead. "I love you, too."

o.O.o

Just over two years into Harry's own career, and he learned to think of Louis in only the fondest of ways. The pain subsided, and listening to Louis' music helps when his heart yearns for those beautiful blue eyes. They haven't met up in person since they split up--or a 'hiatus', as they announced--and Harry  _does_ miss holding him, pressing his nose into the soft brown hair, but that's not a friendly thought so he tries to ignore those.

He's on in two minutes, and he can hear the fans screaming for him. He took a peak before, and he saw rainbows, pride flags, and flags of the country all over the place.

Harry likes to think Louis would enjoy his shows.

The entire thing passes by in a blur, his performance of Sweet Creature leaving a fond warmth dancing in his rib cage. He loves his fans, truly he does, but he's tired and as funny as guy with the gay vodka is, he wants to go home. Or whatever hotel is playing the role of his home for the night. 

When he gets back stage, the staff is buzzing and they're all looking at him as if they know something he doesn't, which kind of worries him because this is _his_ concert. That sounds bad, he knows, but he feels that he should at least be informed if things change.

"What's going on?"

"What ever do you mean?" a staff member asks sweetly.

" _Guys_ , come on, what are you hiding?"

"Jesus, Harry, I thought you loved surprises."

Harry spins around on his heel and-- _fuck_ why is he even more beautiful than he remembers? He's fucking  _glowing_ with happiness and Harry--he's in love. He's _so_ in love with the little twerp in front of him and there's really nothing he can do to stop himself from running and wrapping his arms around his heart, his love.

"Whoa there," Louis whispers fondly. "I missed you, too."

Harry pulls back quickly, trying to take in every single inch of his face. "What are you doing here?"

"I watched you perform, of course." Louis grins widely. "You were awesome, l--Harry! What the fuck are you _doing_?" Harry dragged them both down onto the ground, completely ignoring all the eyes on them as he presses his ear to the beating heart in front of him.

"Is this... still for me?"

"What a nerd," he hears. A beat passes before a kiss and a murmur of: "It always has been."

And Harry thinks that's the best thing he's heard in his whole life.


End file.
